Sometimes I think I’m torn by reality and my past. I just want to shut people out.
I feel a lack of trust in people-who is out to get me? Who really loves me? Who is trying to help me?
I had problems with alcohol and drugs before the crime, but my ability to cope with what happened to me has been severely impacted. I use to think-what is really wrong with drugs what is wrong with not wanting to remember, what is wrong with not having to feel the pain. But then I only follow a deadly cycle of trying to forget rather than trying to live.
Somedays the memories overtake my mind. I remember being so tired of waking up endless nights in a hotel room far away from anyone or anything I knew. I remember clearly you lying there stretched out on the bed while we sit on the floor exhausted for no reason other than sucking the life and hope out myself and others. The only thing I knew was what was going to happen: once again my soul would be sold only to benefit the greed that overtook your life.
I would love to say I am not afraid, that I have moved on and live my life without my past haunting me, but it is not that way.
I relive things so clearly; I turn into that girl just trying to survive.
I feel impacted by my ability to make clear and good choices, I get wrapped up in “I CAN choose anything for I’m not under your control.”
I believe my family has to now learn to know a new Casey, for the impact of your control has changed me as a person, and the reality that I’ll always remember the memories has left me every day marked with shame, and the will I continue to seek to overcome this shame.
I believe it is not a stretch to say somewhere down the line you were failed. I believe you needed something as a child you were not able to get, or nobody stepped in to help you. It is written that when young men don’t have fathers they don’t learn to control their masculine impulses and some men in turn seek out masculine love and acceptance they often will find this in the streets or gangs.
It is not my responsibility what may or may not have happened to you. It is not my control to change anyone but myself.
Money is one of the worst forms of evil, where greed is fed and in this case lives are effected.
George Orwell wrote this quote “to survive it if often necessary to fight and to fight you have to dirty yourself”
But you Raymond Jeffrey’s chose to dirty someone else, a child, a young girl, a daughter, a mother, a sister, a friend. And personally this dirt is inside my head doesn’t wipe away easily.
My only hope other than living as a woman of worth, is that somewhere down the line you run into a young boy, and in this boy you see yourself, and you tell him that this life he is living is not right, that the expense outweighs any profit. Be the man you never had, tell him the things you wish you heard. And only in this I believe can you find redemption. You could possibly change how someone chooses to live, effect other lives; maybe he will be able to find respect for woman that you lacked. In turn this will save the girl who wants to go to college, but finds herself in a hotel room. The girl who is seeking to be loved, but is only used. The parents who hope they will get their daughter back. The children that wonder if their mother will be there when they wake up.
- Casey Bernardini